Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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