I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
