How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
