my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
