BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
