just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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