You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
