there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
