guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
