I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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