Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
