if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
