Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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