I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All I want is dick and wine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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