I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
