I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
