weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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