im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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