there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want her autograph on my taint
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
