i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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