put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
