I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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