Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
