I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
