Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
