You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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