I got her a Nickelback box set.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
