I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
