I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
