no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
