I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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