dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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