Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
