I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
