well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
