I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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