I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
