My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
farters have to be the big spoon...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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