U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
