I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
time to smoke my breakfast
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
