Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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