I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
