we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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