I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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