if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
