Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
