Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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