Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
