I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
