my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
