You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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