I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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