I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
3 2 1 whiskey
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
